Logging in at the moment, with absolutely no plan on what to write about. Lots of things swirling around in my head, and I’ve nowhere to put them, so I get this will be a sort of brain dump.
Life has been a bit of a roller coaster the last, say, 5 years? I lost my Mom to a relatively quick bout of cancer. in 2021. My sister moved her family to Costa Rica later that same year. 2022: I left a job that had become unbearable after 18.5 years, with barely a thank you. Tried a new job that allowed me to work from home; it was not a good fit, so I left that about 5.5 months in. Back into retail. I know how that goes. In the beginning it was great, I was treated well until I got promoted, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t. I persevered. 2023: my sister passed away from MBC in Costa Rica. It broke my heart to know that she was calling for me in the last few days, and I wasn’t there. Work continued to get worse. When trying to explain it to friends at the time, they could not fathom how working in a big retail store could be so difficult – which told me that they looked down on me, because I was struggling. I told myself it didn’t matter, but that didn’t take the sting out of it. I knew that they really didn’t understand the job or me. Christmas time rolls around, and a huge fight with my father – where he actually came out and said that I was not worthy of him. That was the last time I spoke to him. I refuse to let him hurt me again. A final straw at work: I had been asking for help regarding a particular task. I had asked six different managers. There was talk of sending me to another store to learn time management skills. I flat out refused to do that task anymore. THEN the manager who told me that my time management skills were lacking came clean: she had NEVER even looked at what I was doing, my direct manager. I went off on sick leave due to burnout, draining $40G of RRSP’s while I recovered and searched for work.
Then, thank goodness, I found work. It was about an hour’s drive one way. I told my husband that I didn’t want to do that in the winter. It was all cross country, and when the corn came down, the snow would be all over those roads. So, we put our house up for sale, sold it and moved into a tiny apartment (too tiny) while we waited for a new house to be built. During this time, I started speaking up when my friends -women I’ve known since kindergarten, who I thought would be with me until the end – would say or do things that hurt me. If I refused to let my father do it? Why should I let these women do it? I always wanted to talk it out. I didn’t want these women to leave my life. I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, that I had experienced forever, but just learned it had a name. So, even if someone takes a while to respond to a message. I start to spiral downwards. It’s in the name: rejection.
Lo and behold, another incident came up, and I let the lady know how much it impacted me. She had agreed to help me out, and when it came close to the time, she backed out. I wanted to work through it; she didn’t. I reached out several times after and she never replied. Message received.
Out of that group of 5 other women, I am currently in contact with two. I tried to maintain contact with the others, and was met with short answers that made me feel like I was an inconvenience. I am worthy of more that that. They all have my phone number and email address. We had some really great times together, and I wish them only the best that life has to offer, even if I am not included.
Now, you would think at this point, I would learn to keep my mouth shut. But, no. That’s the thing, when you step into your power and set boundaries, you have to own it. You have to take responsibility and accept the consequneces of the fallout. I am done playing small, for anyone. I will not do it in my personal relationships and I sure as hell won’t do it at work.
That leads me to today. I have done it, yet again. This time to my bosses. I do not regret a single word that I said or actions that I have taken. When the concerns I have raised with my team leader and program director, come back to me in a power trip by a different program manager that hits myself and my co-workers? That crosses a professional boundary. She should have never known my concerns. She has nothing to do with my program. Now, my co-workers, who have become friends, are distancing themselves from me, and I totally take responsibility for it. If these friendships fail, it will have been my doing. But, of course, my bosses are waiting for my manager to come back from holidays. They have made me wait almost six days. Tomorrow, he returns. I will not back down. I will not apologize for anything. I will not bend over backwards to explain myself.
I recently saw a quote that stated: “Accountability feels like an attack when you’re not ready to acknowledge how your behaviour harms others.”
So, so true. I have apolgized to my friends at work. I completely understand why they are distancing themselves, and I am not mad at them. I am definitely finding that some people cannot handle it when you set boundaries and then call them out when they pull sketchy shit. The kicker is? I am willing to look at myself and work through my issues, I am willing to talk it through with others. I am willing to learn and grow, and some people are not.
I am going through a fire of sorts at the moment. Burning away all that I have hidden to play small, to make others comfortable, to attempt to fit in. It hasn’t worked for me over the years, and actually only made things worse. So, while I still crave human connection, I am getting very selective with it. If you expect me to play small? I won’t. I will just walk away. Be there, done that.
My conscience is completely clear.
E. E. Wildwood 