Knots

My new job is literally making me sick to my stomach. I like the company. I like my colleagues. I absolutely love working from home. But I don’t feel as if I know enough to help my clients to the best of my ability. My old role was in a toxic (to me) environment, but I was an expert. Now, even after three months of training and a month on the job, there is still so much to learn. I have to reach out consistently to more tenured associates for assistance and I hate that I’m reliant on them. I feel like I’m pestering them and that they will get sick of my questions and I will be left to my own devices.

Mentally, I know things will improve. I will learn more and be able to grow more self-sufficient. I know that I’m starting at the bottom again and need to work my way up. I know that comfort will come with time.

Physically? I can’t sleep. My stomach is in knots on a regular basis. I have waves of anxiety pouring over me as Sunday night rolls around, knowing that I’m going to be in that questioning position again and again and again. My weight is creeping higher even though I’m eating less because I’m nauseous all. the. time. My hands shake. I can hear my heartbeat, loud and clear, rushing in my ears.

You can do it, they say. It’s going to get better, they say. I believe in you, they say.

Point A – here and now; to Point B – the place where I feel comfortable; seems like an insurmountable distance to travel. I’m filled with dread thinking about it. My hands are sweaty.

I have an appointment in nineteen days to see my psychiatrist. I’m hoping he can prescribe something to ease the anxiety and make Point A to Point B tolerable until I can get to the place where I can breathe and relax and do my job without fear.

Although I’m terrified…I’m also extremely stubborn. I’m not ready to throw in the towel. I want this to work. Fourteen work days, until I see the doctor. Take it easy. Take it slow. Don’t pressure yourself. And certainly, don’t expect yourself to be perfect.