Devastating

A little back story, so you get where I’m coming from. My Dad split when I was 7, and my older sister was 12. She took on a mothering role, in addition to my actual mother, who was struggling to raise two kids alone, back in the days when that wasn’t common around here. I was on tranquilizers when I was a kid, because I would get “stomach aches”. I couldn’t do sleepovers, because I needed to be with my Mom and my sister. I internalized everything, and my lifelong question, “Am I enough?” began.

Fast forward. In her mid forties, my sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer. She’s fought it valiantly and is stable today, six years later. Although there is no cure, and it will take her life, she is stable and in excellent spirits and is actually planning to move to Costa Rica. I have grieved her once and will again when the time comes.

Yesterday, we learned that my 71 year old Mother also has Stage 4 Cancer, in her liver, lungs and bones. She is still undergoing testing and is still at the hospital. We’ve yet to learn her prognosis. The entire family has yet to be informed.

I am like a raw nerve. I am devastated. I am heartbroken and I am angry as hell. These two women are such a huge part of my life and they are both being taken away from me. I will be alone, but not. I will still have family and friends, my husband and my kids, but in my core, something will be missing.

I am going to have to fight like hell to keep from spiralling down into a hole of depression. I am going to have to fight like hell to try and stay positive for the both of them. I am going to fight like hell to accept that this is not a personal attack from the universe. This is the cycle of life – I just thought I’d have more time. More time. Sounds like a luxury now.