I’m Struggling

I’m not going to lie and I’m not trying to hide it. I’m struggling with my mental health right now. Here in Ontario, we are into our second lockdown with Covid-19. There’s a provincial Stay-At-Home order. There are a limited number of valid reasons to leave your house, and that’s it. Plus, it’s winter – the season where I hibernate; I totally withdraw indoors because I detest being cold. The majority of days are grey and overcast.

My sister has metastatic breast cancer and is going through chemotherapy. Due to her compromised immune system, I have seen her twice in almost a year. My Mother has COPD – so, another compromised system. I see her more often, because I pick up her prescriptions for her. But always outside, so we don’t get too close.

I feel trapped. The routine of repetitive days.

I do have an active imagination, and that leads to more disappointment and despair. Dreaming of scenarios that will never come to pass. They bring me momentary happiness, and then reality sinks in. I know this is part of my depression as well, but I can’t shake it. Unless you’ve been in the thick of it, it’s hard to describe the overwhelming hopelessness it can lead to. My brain can be a cruel mistress. You’d think with the mind-numbing routine of days, it could take a break, but no. Then my nocturnal dreaming takes over, offering other happiness inducing ideas that come crashing down as soon as I wake.

I put on a good front. You would never guess that I struggle with mental health issues. You learn to hide it because you can’t explain it. I can’t get you to understand the loss of something that was never going to happen anyway.

So, I will continue to dream of Hollywood makeovers and Dominic Sherwood as Jace Herondale, fighting choreographed fights and feeling beautiful and strong.