I Was Told NO.

Indulge me, if you will, for just a moment.

My whole life changed when I was seven years old. My particular trauma? My Dad left us. This was not an everyday occurrence in the early 80’s. In fact – we were the exception. I was the outcast at school. I was an original latchkey kid. I bottled everything up – which manifested in stomach aches. I was given pink medicine – which I later found out were tranquillizers. Our financial status changed from a nice home to shady apartments. The relationship between myself and my Mother, my sister. and friends.

My Dad had visitation rights – the first Saturday of every month. He wouldn’t take my older sister, just me. Some Saturday’s I would sit and cry – because he wouldn’t show up.

So, all you need to know about that time frame now is that I’ve been in Survival Mode for 44 years. I have physical manifestations of stress and have developed a nice case of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. The past year has been the most hellacious of my life. A toxic job, my father telling me that I was not worthy of him – thus me walking away and cutting him off. I have physically taken more stress than I can handle.

I have been conditioned to believe that EVERYONE else comes before me. I have never had a job that I’ve done out of love – only necessity. I’ve been working since I was 13. I was never given any handouts – if I wanted it, I had to work my ass off to get it. When working full-time with small children at home, I was asked how I did it. I never had a choice.

I have pushed my luck too far and now am taking a self-sustained leave of absence from work. I’ve had to pull money out of my RRSP’s to do so – because even though they talk a big game – there is no financial support for those in my position.

I’ve been off work for five days now – and it hasn’t hit me yet that I do not need to return to work until the end of January. I started to feel like I needed to be productive today, and my therapist emphatically told me NO. We have been conditioned to be “productive” lest we be seen as lazy. We have been conditioned to feel guilty when we rest – but that is what I need to get out of fight or flight mode.

I do not want to go back to the way I was living. It was not aligned with me as a person. I don’t know where to go or how to do it and feel the pressure to start planning for an unknown future – to which I was told NO. Stop it. No planning until I’m in the right frame of mind. My physical stress response was high today.

So, back to resting, I go. Although my therapist wasn’t my favourite person today, she is absolutely correct. It’s a good thing I like her.